Today, I will be griping about what jewbucks the games industry is bathing in
because you are too daft to know what a video game is.
"But Matt! Those men be playing mah favorites vidyagaemz! Wut am rong wif dats?"
I'll tell you what's wrong wif dats, bitch.
GUITAR HERO IS A BUCKET OF BONGWATER.
Some people are under the impression that Guitar Hero is a whole new thing,
something that you can relate to, something that understands you,
something that plucks the strings of your heart, a unique experience.
Stfu, emo.
The idea of using pretty lights and large, colourful buttons to make
someone feel like they're good at something has been around for a long, long time.
It's called Dance Dance Revoloution, Asians invented it because they can't dance,
But oh how they would love it if they could.
Unfortunately for Konami, the idea was rejected by Western popular culture
because white people can dance due to the fact that they have souls, unlike the Japanese.
Then, this team of executives made a stunning realization!
"Wait a second, guys, here we have a clusterfuck of music and flashing lights,
its a simple mechanic, we must find a way to bring this kind of easy money to the sates! Arf!"
"Good idea, Scruffles! Now, we've just got to make it look appealing to the American eye...
hold on! I've got just the thing, be right back!"
Rex then went into his garage, and threw together what would become the prototype for "Guitar Hero," seen here.
Scruffles saw some potential, but it needed something...
"Hmmmm, it still needs something..... Ah! I know!"
The design was maturing.
"You've done it, but I think I'll just add a few touches... lets see...
I'll add some completely random statistics so they can feel like something is going on...
what else....ah! Here, I'll insert a crudely drawn male phallus directly in the center!"
The designs were sent off to the company's sub basement, where their team of asians
took the drawings, ported them to home consoles, tightened up
their graphics, and stole the rhythm aspects of Konami's DDR.
Soon later, the finished product was released.
Funny, how what started as a piece of shit with sprinkles on it, is now a household name.
PART II: IT'S NOT EVEN A GAME
In order for this section to flow properly, we have to define "game."
Video Game-
a form of entertainment that is composed of any type of game put into a
digital image on a screen and is operated by the player through
means of a control connected to a form of a console
Now, we have to define "game" to clarify the previous definition.
Game-something done for the enjoyment of the users through
use of their intuition and skills in whatever act being performed
as a method of enjoyment or entertainment.
Now, THIS is a game.
It's called SNATCHER. It meets all the critique of "video game"
sure, it's not similar in it's execution to an acid trip like
your precious Guitar Hero, but it has all kinds of neat aspects,
like turbocycles, and the tits of dead robots.
Also dead dogs.
Yeah, you got all of that, and a bag of dicks with SNATCHER.
What do you get with guitar hero?
A very odd looking young woman in the background of a very unorganized
pile of sparkly shit with a bunch of colorful dots coming right at you!
Quick! Destroy the dots with your cheap plastic guitar!
Also, if Guitar hero is such a great game, why is it that there was
a free one made within a few months that is vastly superior,
seeing as you can add your own songs or the songs of other users for free,
where on guitar hero, the main justification for dropping $50 on the
new game is for a few added tracks.
Yes, Guitar Heros 1, 2, and 3 are all the same game, and I can prove it.
Here is a screenshot from Guitar Hero 1.
We've got a infinitely long fretboard constantly traveling towards
the player, and some poorly modeled hipsters flaunting about on stage.
Now, A shot from "Guitar Hero 2"
Oh look, another extraordinarily long fretboard, and some more
poorly done characters with remarkably skinny arms, how are they
holding things with those arms? I am worried! They look hungry.
Now, Guitar Hero 3.
I see no difference, aside from that strange brown blob in the lower right.
What is that?
Finally, the upcoming Guitar Hero 4.
So THATs what that blob was.
