How to Survive a Zombie Invasion
Mike/Div, a hardened New Jersey med student, has been
qualified to deal with blacks, crack addicts, and everything
in the between, ergo, by his experience with these subjects
he has been deemed by TheFAMAS Organization as the most
trustworthy resource on zombies and other humanoid things
without brains. Such as black people, and crack addicts.
For centuries mankind has battled the undead menace in books and movies, subconsciously
preparing itself for the fated day when the dead walk the Earth to reclaim what was once theirs,
the Earth.
Now it’s obvious that when this day comes, you’re most likely gonna be on your own, with
nothing but a dull steak knife and soiled underwear.
But fret not, the Famas Organization is here
to help. With our quick guide you will be able to best prepare yourself
for any situation.
Now before we start I need to get something out of the way, this threat is very real and needs to
be taken seriously. It has been known about for years. Casket companies now produce stainless
steel vacuum sealed coffins “to keep bugs out”.
Keep bugs out.... or keep zombies IN?
But let’s get down to things. I’m going to go over three scenarios and tell you the most vital steps
to take in order to survive.
Situation 1 - You’re shooping shopping at Walmart one day (because we all know
everyone bashes them but in reality we always end up going there anyway, if not just for their low
low prices on delicious Swedish Fish) and there’s a zombie break out.
Step 1: Women and Children First - Women and children do nothing but get in the way, kill them immediately.
Step 2: Secure the Perimeter - Walmart designs their doors so even
the stupidest rednecks can find their way inside to buy Slim-Jims
and Axe deodorant. Lock all the doors fast, if a zombie manages to
step on the door sensor it’s all over. Also be sure to lock that
little midget door they push the carts through.
Step 3: Weapons - Head to the gun dept and stack up
on whatever you can find,
unless you live in New Jersey and they
don’t have a gun dept, in which case you just start sobbing and
realize you’re going to die in a Walmart.
Step 4: Survive - With the doors secured, the little
brats dead, and enough junk food to last you till the end of time
you can finally play the PS3 demo as long as you damn well please.
Situation 2 - You are attending school and during your usual routine of ignoring the math teacher you notice a wave of zombie terrors advancing across the football field.
Step 1: Lock and Load - You know those two .45's you have stashed
in your locker for a rainy day? Well it’s time to break em out. If you
happen to be one of those pussies who doesn’t keep any guns in your
locker, now would be a good time to stock up, unless you want to become zombie chow.
Step 2: Eliminate Potential Threats - Remember those macho asshole
football kids? Well you’re not gonna have to wait till Hitler’s
birthday to do them in, because the only thing worse than a 260lb
6ft dumbass in a varsity jacket is a 260lb 6ft zombie in a varsity
jacket, give them a dose of shotgun mouthwash immediately.
Step 3: Barricade - In this situation you can hold off on
blocking the doors sense they aren’t necessarily idiot proof like
in Walmart. Use whatever you can to jam the doors shut; desks,
football trophies, that cripple kid’s crutches, whatever you can find, improvise.
Step 4: Command & Control - Establish a system of law over your new
dominion and rule with an iron fist. Whenever the zombies start
acting up feed them a classmate, eventually the rest of the kids
will learn to fear/respect you enough to do anything you ask so you
spare them a horrible fate.
Situation 3 - You are in your house.
Step 1: Load - Odds are you won’t know the zombies are coming until
one breaks through your window. Grab your shit and get to your car.
Everyone knows zombies share some sort of hivemind powers because
as soon as one finds your house all the rest will immediately stop
what they’re doing and converge on your home. Get to your car and GTFO.
Step 2: Reload - If you’re reading this guide that means you are
probably one of those non-believers who thinks zombie invasions are
just joke, which means your probably don’t have enough supplies to
last you more than 2 hours. Stop by a gas station and grab some
shit before you head out of town.
Step 3: Kill ‘Em All - Mow down as many zombies as possible
on your way out, hopefully you drive a truck or something that can
run over some bodies and baby carriages and keep on going.
Step 4: Make with the Shelter - Use your terrain to your
advantage. If you live in the woods get to a high mountain that the
zombies cant climb, if you live in a coastal city steal a boat and
head out to sea, if you live in the frozen north build a gigantic
ice fortress with mastadon bones. Any of these options should let
you survive long enough until the government nukes your town out of existence.
Situation 4 - You are at the mall.
Step 1: Game Over - This is Bowser’s Castle, Lavos and
Emerald Weapon all rolled into one. Do not even attempt this, there
are way too many entrances, too many people, not enough food and no
weapons to be found. Forget Dead Rising, that game is bullshit. You
have no chance to survive, make your time.
Hopefully some of you will take this as a warning and prepare
yourselves. I know I can’t save everyone, but it’s my duty to try
God-dammit, it’s my duty to try!
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